Flashbacks to Affirmation
by megtheegg99
Summary: Shawn looks back into his past, discovering the real reason his father and mother got divorced, the big secret being kept from him by his father and best friend. Once able to confront them, he finds himself too late. Warning: crack pairing (I don't actually ship this), character death, language, suicide


They thought I wouldn't notice. That I was oblivious throughout my childhood and ignorant to the illegal conspiracies around me. Dad taught me how to notice the little things, he trained me in observation, but I guess he didn't think I would catch on to his sick game, his disgusting affair involving my best friend. I guess he didn't realize I would ever figure out the real reason he and mom got divorced.

The springs of my bed squeak as I shift, uncomfortable with the thought of confronting them. My head smashes into the pillow as I fall back onto my back. How do I tell them I know about this ongoing charade? Am I even ok with this? Questions swim through my overwhelmed mind creating a headache. My eyelids squeeze together tightly and I escape to my subconscious.

"_I'm home!" I run through the front door, my shoulders weighed down by a heavy backpack, my head filled with the innocence of an 8 year old. My father wasn't sitting at the kitchen table as usual, I searched off to look for him. I wanted to tell him about my day, about how Jenny sat with me at lunch and Gus was absent. About how I scored the made the winning homerun today at recess in kickball. I rushed up the stairs, the door to mom and dad's room was closed, I pressed my ear to the door. Voices, too quiet to distinguish the words, but loud enough to be faintly recognized. I heard my dad's voice and the one of another, there was groaning and whispers, mom was at work so it couldn't have been her in there. It sorta sounded like Gus, but it couldn't be him, why would he be in there with my dad? I tiptoed away and went outside, since dad was occupied, I could go try to build a spaceship uninterrupted. _

I woke up and rubbed my head, it still hurt, my phone lit up, missed call from Gus, I had some more things to work out before I responded. Forcing myself to lie back down, I dozed off once again.

"_Shawn, there's something I gotta tell you."_

"_Yeah? What is it bro?" I replied preoccupied, trying to rig my bike with the leaf blower, determined to be the coolest 8th grader at Santa Barbara Middle School. _

"_I- I- ummmm..."_

"_Haha look at that faggot," I snickered, watching Mr. Bross walk by. He was our math teacher and gave me a F on the last test. "What is it you wanted to tell me."_

"_Oh, nothing. Never mind- I forgot..."_

"_Ok, you know you can tell me anything."_

"_Yeah..." Gus replied but sounded unconvinced. _

_Senior year of high school I finally got the nerve to ask Jenny out on a date. Gus had no plans and no girlfriend so I asked him if he wanted to hook up with on of her friends and we could go on a double date. He declined, leaving me confused because her friends were smokin' hot. They were all blondes, my type, and they were easier than fishing in one of those trout stocked reservoirs. Jenny was a different, she was blonde and super attractive, but she played hard to get and rumor says shes still a virgin. I can fix that. So it wasn't necessarily a bad thing Gus didn't want to tag along, more alone time for me. The date didn't end up going too well. I guess I said or did something offensive because next thing you know she was yelling at me to drive her home. I did as she asked with only a little bit of protest before I gave in. Upon reaching her house, she bolted out of the car and into her house, making sure to lock the door behind her. I drove home much sooner than expected. On my way, about a block from my house, I recognized Gus's car parked on the side of the road. It was inmistakenly Gus's with the shininess of a new car wash and various assortment of dorky bumper stickers. I shook my head and kept driving, my mind still fuzzy about what I did wrong with Jenny. On my way to my room I saw a shoe abandoned in the hallway that looked like Gus's brown loafer. From my dad's room I heard voices, his voice and a voice that definitely did not sound female. I furrowed my brow and shook my head and headed off to bed, too tired to put the pieces together. _

_That day I came back to town after being gone for a few years, the first thing I did was go to see my best friend. I drove over to where his mom said he was now working, as a pharmaceutical salesman. I drove the motorcycle I bought when I moved out over to Gus's office. Telling the front desk lady that I was a very important client, I convinced her to lead me up to Gus's desk. He was gone in a meeting so I sat in his office chair trying to break into his phone. A text came in from someone named Henry, "We still on for tonight?" and at that moment, everything made sense. _

It was dark when I opened my eyes again. I looked at my phone, 6 missed calls from Gus, it was 1:21 am. The last call was about half an hour ago. I called him back, no response. I texted him: Hey. I want u to know im fine with this whole thing, maybe not with you and my dad together but i want u to know its ok to be gay. I'll stand by you no matter what. Call me.

I went back to bed with my ringer on, awaiting Gus's call in the morning. Ring ring ring ring. It wasn't Gus, it was Jules. "Hey what's up?"

"Shawn, I think you need to get down here." Her voice was strained as though she had been crying.

"Yeah, of course, I'll be right there." I sped down to the police station on my motorcycle, wondering what happened. Probably a murderer they need my help catching. I strode through the doors, Juliet meeting me, her eyes puffy and face red from tears. My forehead wrinkled in concern. "Jules, what happened?"

She shook her head, still crying, "We- we need y-you down for iden-identification." She stuttered over her tears. She took me by the hand and to the morgue, she wiped at her face half heartedly and pointed at the covered body. My legs trembled as I walked over dreading confirmation of who it was. My hands shook as I grabbed the cold white sheet and pulled it down. My stomach caught in my throat as I saw Gus's face, perfectly still and frozen in a sleeping expression. I felt wetness fall from my jaw, I put my hand up to my eyes, discovering I was crying. My shoulders began to shake as I realized Gus was gone. He was my best friend, the brother I'd never had. Half of me was gone. I couldn't take it anymore. I crouched in a ball on the cold tile floor and wept, overwhelming emotion seeping from my body. Juliet hung over me and came down in an awkward hug. She held onto my torso and leaned on top of me as if protecting me from myself. I felt her shake, her tears fell onto the back of my neck. We stayed like that until we couldn't physically cry any longer.

"When did he die?" I choked out.

"Around 1 am." She whispered. I came to realization, if I wasn't asleep, if I answered the phone, Gus would still be here. Tears couldn't come anymore but I still needed release. I wept loudly across his still body, no tears falling, but more pain within me than before. Gus was gone, and it was my fault.

I left late in the day and headed over to my dad's house to break the news. I didn't bother knocking and used my spare key. All his stuff was moved out, the house was covered in a thin layer of dust as if it was untouched for several days. He was gone too. I had no family left. Maybe I deserved to be alone. After all, it was my fault Gus was dead.

In a haze of grief, I went to Central Coast Pharmaceuticals, where Gus had worked, and took the elevator up to his desk. Everything was neat and organized, just like Gus was. I ran my hand over a picture of us sitting on his desk, the sight of both of us together, smiling and happy, sending a spike of pain into my heart. Shoulders shuddering with silent sobs, I got back in the elevator. I took it to the very top floor before climbing up the cold, rickety stairs to the roof. I could see Gus's face in my head, switching from a grin to the cold stillness of death and back again. I shuffled forward until my feet were hanging over the edge of the roof and I contemplated whether or not to jump.


End file.
